GOOGLE ME, BITCH!

My name is Aida Rodriguez, a very common name for Latin women world-wide.  How do I know this?  Because I, like most people in the world, Google myself to see what comes up.  Not only did I find out some interesting things about myself on the net, I also learned what many of my fellow namesakes are doing in the world to keep the name spicy.

Here’s what we found:

There is a woman who has decided to bring honor and justice to our name.  She is an “Attorney at Law”, ooh, makes me feel not as big in the world.  I actually think that she and I kinda do the same thing:  we both put on a performance, hope to get some laughs and convince our audience to side with us.  She’s the fancy pants of the “Aida Rodriguez” operation and seems to have an office in a really good neighborhood, unlike my apartment building.

“Aida Rodriguez has passed away!”  A blog post reads, and I have to tell you that it was pretty sad to see me go.  Good to know that she made a good name for us in the great state of Pennsylvania.  She was loved by many and was an amazing spirit, at least that’s what the blog says.  Makes me wonder if this is true, or just the stuff people say after someone dies.  She, apparently was good for cooking and inviting people from the community over for a meal.  I do that too,  but you must provide wine and spirits.  RIP Aida, thanks for making a good name for us.

I also found some bad girls wearing the “Aida Rodriguez” badge and I gotta tell you that I don’t know if I want to mention those bitches right now because I am a bit disappointed  BUT we gotta take the good with the bad.

Aida Rodriguez –Wanted in Arizona for purposely giving her partners (yes, plural) the Herpes virus.  When they catch her, we need to have a talk.  I think I am going to request a name change.

And finally, the Aida Rodriguez  whose picture on Google Images had a promoter questioning my funny.  She is in jail for a home invasion in my native Florida, she looks like she is no joke!  I have provided a photo,  YOU  tell me what you think.

Image

Say Something

God always finds a way to keep me humbled, this is the one instance where I am not so happy about it.  See, I could never indulge in the infamous attitudinal “Google Me Bitch” because truly it might end up in me never getting a phone call again, ever!

The Top 5 Reasons Why I Need to Get My Life Together According the Net!

In this recent wave of negativity I have discovered that it is very easy to get caught up in the hype of gloom.  After reading comments about me on YouTube and LipStick Alley I could easily fall into a frenzy of defending myself and responding to the obviously embittered and sometimes downright cowardly internet bully community.  Instead I decided to work on me, in reality, that is the only person I can really change.  So here it goes, again in my most honest voice I will address some of the internet ganstas that have much to say about me.

5.  “You need to lose some weight, you fat, black, dirty pig, I hate you.”  Yes, I probably do.  I am sure that you are in tip top shape with all of the exercising you are getting on that key board.  And I am certain that you are beautiful and perfect which is why your profile picture is a picture of Taylor Swift.  You have to be thin, beautiful, talented and accomplished which is why you have the time to post 1,407 YouTube videos on your page.

4. “You hating bitch, you a hoe, you a bitch.”- Yes I am a hater, I probably the only person that has ever “hated” in the world.  Which is why when you Wikipedia “hating” a picture of me pops up with me stabbing a picture of Beyonce.  Hating is something you would never do, your IQ would never allow to engage in such a lowly activity.  I mean your vocabulary dictates that you are probably the shining star of your Mensa group.

3. “She stole that joke from Comic View.”  You got me!  I actually know many 5’10 Puerto Rican/Dominicans that were moved from Washington Heights to Miami that performed on Comic View.  As a matter of fact that had so many of us on the show, that we were banned from the show, because the lines were getting blurry and the story so common.  Thank you for pointing that out, I will work harder on telling my life story without the uncanny resemblance of the lives of the many African American males that were on BET in the 90′s, my bad.  You know the Puerto Rican woman and the Black Man, it’s so hard to distinguish between the two.

2. “This bitch ain’t even funny.” I know right?  I don’t know why I continue to delude myself into thinking that I can make people that don’t read, laugh.  I struggle with this shit daily, man I am so glad that you logged on today so that YOU can change my life’s purpose.  Because you are sooooooo important to society, I mean whatever would we do without that video you have on the net doing the Dougie in front of those 3 toddlers that look up to you.

1. ” This bitch, needs Jesus.” Were you taught to use “Jesus” and “bitch” in the same sentence, I mean it definitely has a greater impact.

It is amazing how some people can influence  your life.  When the cerebral community gets together to make a collective decision about us, we must listen.

A Lil Crazy…and it won’t go away!

Love Taps

I think that everyone of us has been involved with that one person that made us BATTY CRAZY!  Out of our fuckin minds CRAZY….Ever been with the one that made you feel like an addict and had you reaching for the needle one more time?  I KNOW I HAVE- no shame here.    I remember being up at night, sleeping on doorsteps ready to fight her…if that isn’t denial…what is?  And why did I want to fight her??? HE DID IT!  But that is what happens when you are in addiction, that shit is sooooo good you think of murder when you have to share.

CRAZY is an interesting place to be with someone— at times you reach the highest point, you are together and can do anything together from playing Hop Scotch to thinking about robbing a 7 Eleven —> that’s the ultimate connection right?  Then you hit the club with him, and as you reach for the drink  you peek over you shoulder (thinking he’s peeking back) only to find him locking eyes with another chick ZZZZZZZZ shit gets so fuzzy that you don’t realize that you busted him in the back of the head with that drink’s glass OUCH

So as a result I find myself having my visits with crazy.   Yes I drunk dial and send pics to show him what he’s missing.  I call to see if he’ll answer when she’s around and when he does for some reason my CRAZY ass feels like that is a victory in some way.  This is that coo coo shit for realz.  Thinking that I may never find someone like that again, when in reality, that would be a blessing.

They say that some girls are rigged for self destruction because they like bad boys… don’t know, maybe we just like the boys that allow us to be bad girls that we are dying to be deep down inside.

I know many have been through something similar and I offer no judgement.  It just has made me understand people better.  I get it, there are many of us out there flying with a broken wing, it’s hard to keep your balance.

Soooooo… I know longer pretend to be normal at the beginning of a relationship.  I say…go as you because YOU are going to eventually show up anyway and that is false advertising.  At least I tell it, I don’t do the dumb shit of asking for a phone call to let me know you made it home safely, I WANT TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT BANGING SOMEONE ELSE…I’d rather you be injured than cheating.  If this turns you off, then I am NOT for you so keep it stompin pimp!

Happy dating my fellow crazies…please don’t misunderstand me if we happen to be out and I run into HIM and for a few seconds we share an eye to eye moment where no words are exchanged.  We just belong to a space where at one point in time we actually believed that what we were in was called LOVE and we are still trying to find the real definition of that bitch!

My glass of Rose in hand, I toast to the song that has caused a remix viral reaction. I think I know why everyone has their own version of this song.  This is my favorite.    Cheers

Extinction of the “DATE”

Am I living in a dream land where unicorns run about and there are fountains flowing of honey.  That is what I sound like when I ask a man if he is asking me out on a date.  It’s like speaking a foreign language.  When did the word “date” become a bad word.  I don’t know if we should blame anyone for this OR if this is just a sign of the times.  But something as simple as a date is what I require from a man that is trying to get to know me.  It isn’t about money or materialism but standard courtship.  I would much rather you invite me to a coffee shop in broad daylight to talk, then to watch a movie at your house late at night.  Excuse me Sir, who do you think I am?  Better yet, who do you think I’m not that I am not worthy of an outing that entails conversation, interaction and communication none with any sexual expectation.

OK, now here’s the Aida remix, because when I get too civil some of these birthday clowns get out of line.

If you don’t want to see my face in the daytime, you are not worthy of my nights.

You don’t get to taste my tongue, just because you bought me dinner.

Going to see a movie at your house is for someone that is ALREADY your girlfriend, NOT the woman that you are trying to get to know.

I don’t care what “she” did, “she” is not ME, and I am here.

If you don’t wan’t to invest your money in a fancy dinner, cook one, pack it up and bring it with you.  We can have it at a park, museum but NOT at YO HOUSE!

And DON’T ask me to go on a date via text, that will get you ignored in public the next time I see you.

Get the picture…I don’t know what happened along the way, some of my fellow ladies laid down their requirements and started taking whatever some of these chumps are willing to give them but it must STOP!

As for me I will continue to be who I am and whether that is good or bad to you, it works for me.  Blockbuster is going out of business and so will you if you don’t know how to ask me out on a regular, fun, interesting, intelligent, one on one, text-free, sex-free, simple, thoughtful, genuine DATE!

Get Used To It Homie!

Things that men CAN’T text me!

On a regular day, in my non-regular life, I find myself exchanging text messages with a man that supposedly has feelings for me.  One text message in particular comes across the screen of my phone and everything comes to a screeching halt! He texted, ” I WANT YOU!”.  This led to a severe cross examination of self and a drowning in self judgement, with questions like : “What the hell are you doing?and judgment calls like:  You are a grown ass woman and you are in the midst of a text frenzy not indicative of your maturity level!”.  So I decided to let the fellows out there know what you CAN’T text me because 1. I deem it as inappropriate, 2. I will question your masculinity (Yes, I do that) and 3. I simply will not allow it.  Notice, I stated what you can’t text ME, I understand that all women have their own level of tolerance, but as for me, this is my phone we’re talking about and I determine what and what doesn’t tap dances across my touch screen.

Here we go….

On  Aida’s phone, text messaging is for GENERAL and BRIEF information such as:  ”Here’s the address” or  ”His number is *******”, or “No, I don’t want Starbucks”.  Get the picture?  Text messaging is not for confessionals, intimate conversation nor dissertations, this is what human contact is for.    So if you want to get me to open up figuratively or literally I suggest you step your communication game up or GAME OVER.

On Aida’s phone, general/stock text messages that you send to all the chicks you met last night are discarded and get your number blocked.  Think that most of us with at least a minimal IQ don’t know what those messages look like.  Really?  ”What’s up girl, you in for the night?”….”What’s up with you lady?”…”Hey Baby Girl, was thinking about you and wanted to say HI”.  Sound familiar?  Please STOP!  You seem corny and ambitious and probably are NOT a winner.

On Aida’s phone, men are not allowed to send excessive smiley faces, that is cheesy and downright dismissive.  Don’t have time to respond now, cool, respond later like a grown up MAN!

On Aida’s phone, men are not allowed to use the following terms excessively, they make you questionable fellas.

LMAO-  Unless you are in the group, I don’t think so.  You shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING with your ass that doesn’t entail human function.

TTYL- Honestly, your Triceps should not allow you to be able to type this.

ROTFLMAO- Wow, anytime I think of a man rolling on the floor and he is not in the Middle East in the midst of combat, I begin to think perverted things.

Now, remember don’t get angry, these are JUST the rules for MY phone.  I am sure that someone else would appreciate your paragraph with excessive smiley faces while you roll on the floor and laugh your ass off.   Just don’t do it with me or you will join my call list that I affectionately refer to as “Do Not Answer”.  In my book these things are the equivalent of a man whispering in another man’s ear.

Doesn't look good, does it?

Men Gone Wrong!

I don’t consider myself one that likes to male bash, we all know that I talk about everybody equally in my stand up, but recently I have been seeing the most RANDON and RIDICULOUS posts from some of the fellas on the net.  So for this one I’d like to STAND UP for my ladies since they seem to be the constant topic of some of these busted ass dudes’ posts on FB, Twitter and etc…

Here we go…and if this doesn’t apply to you, it’s not for you.  So read and enjoy because you too know what I am talking about.

ONE:  I often see some of these most unattractive men in the world (no scratch that) THE FREAKIN UNIVERSE having the highest bar for how a woman needs to look.  Sir, I think you should get rid of your titties first, get a good grasp on a solid teeth whitening system and get those chopping blocks you call feet under control and severely moisturized before you make any demands on a lady.  It amazes me how some of you think that because you have on some new jeans, sneakers, a button down (ala Jay-Z) and took a shower in designer cologne that WE DON’T KNOW what’s under there.  Come on man!

By the way if would not have an entertainment industry job NO ONE would care what you would want in a woman, it would be just like it was in high school for you.

TWO:  You say you want a woman that cooks, that is obvious by the way you look.  You look cute in your clothes but when you’re naked you can make a stomach turn being built like that.  I am all for cooking a good meal but can I ask you as candidly as you ask me “If I can cook”….DO YOU WORK OUT?  Because I’d like to see some Cardio in your future, after all this is an exchange, right?  Chances are if you are over 30 and you didn’t run a 4.4 in the 4o back in the day, the future doesn’t look so bright for you ,does it?  So put the plate down and put on those sexy Dre Beats headphones and take yourself on a little trip to the nearest park a run a few laps.

THREE:  You are tired of hearing that she was a model or she has a job in the biz.  There are two things I want to address here because you MotherFoggahs need to stop.

A.  How many men are constantly lying about how they were star athletes in high school or the classic ” I made it to the NBA but got that ‘knee injury’ and now I am starting my own business”.  YOU DO IT TOO!  That’s why it bothers you so much, some of ya’ll are like me TALL FOR NO REASON or TOO TALL FOR YOUR JOB (pick one).

B. Last I checked all of these so called “models” and industry chicks are some of the most sought after women I see.  Though you are always talking about the ladies you competition driven bastards love to recycle them!  Isn’t Antoine Walker’s baby’s mama engaged to Ocho Cinco? YES and I can name countless women that you guys dis that are high on the “DEMAND” chain. Kim Kardashian is a lot of things but single ain’t one of em.  So somebody must like it?  I suspect you would too, if you had access.

FOUR: (and I’m gonna stop at FIVE because this might be too much to handle) You say you want an intelligent woman yet you can’t spell, your grammar is poor, your subjects and verbs don’t agree.  Verbally, you are what we call the antithesis (definition here) of Cornell West.  Would you like an intelligent woman so that she can teach you?  Because if that’s the case I get it, but if it’s not then HOW DARE YOU?  You know how hard it is to roll around with someone that you can’t really have an intelligent conversation with?  Man, if your idea of being deep is figuring out Who REALLY killed Biggie, we should find out and have them kill you!

FIVE: You want to be involved with a woman that NO ONE has been involved with YET you have slept with EVERYONE.  How does that work?  You guys love to tell who you’ve been with and how you “got that” but you neglect to tell the part about how you cried on her voicemail and CALLED 27 times in 1 day OR how you parked outside of her house and well you know the story, because YOU did it.  You dudes love to gossip and tell your stories just like little pimple popping girlies.  Every time you think that we are being ruled by the double standard and are afraid that you are going to tell, KNOW those of us that are solid don’t care and  we do the same!  We are talking about how you didn’t come through and how you whine too much or how you are too clingy…sound familiar?

I wrote this for my plus 3o MEN that are always dissing women over 30 and find comfort in dating girls closer to their daughters’ ages because they don’t want to grow up!  Yes some women are assholes and don’t have their shit together but most of you that act this way were raised by them.  So if you are OVER 3o and are still walking around announcing your “SWAG” levels, declaring that you “Pop Bottles”, have on something my little brother would wear, listen to music in your car while scaring the white people and have a vocabulary that a Lemur would scoff at… sit your ass down till you grow up!

Why Comedy Chose Me….

When I was about 7 years old I used to listen to a Cuban comic by the name of Alvarez Guedes everyday and laughed at jokes that were crafted for adulthood. I remember bracing myself and running to my mother and stating boldy “I want to be just like him when I grow up”. Unfortunately, this along with being a basketball player or an Army General were out of the question to my mother, because these were all things that men did. And so I was rendered the list of things that were acceptable for me, among them: teaching, decorating, cooking or any combination of the three. I learned them all for the sake of my womanhood, but as for a career, I was still lost!

Those of you that know, know that when the comedy bug bites, it NEVER goes away. I’m often asked why I chose comedy, and I have to tell you that it chose me. I have always looked at life through a comedic eye and my dire need to express that has haunted me.  I had dreamed of jumping on that stage and just share me and how I think with the world.  And so I decided to pursue it and as I approached the mic, it embraced me.  Trial and error are amazing teachers and as I worked the muscle and started to develop my funny for an expanded audience (other than my friends) the rhetoric started to pour in.  I can be raw and so many have tried to alter my point of view. Instead of saying “Fuck You” (which is my natural instinct) I say “Thank You”, because now I am at a comfort zone so ridiculous that I can write this. Comedy is an interesting space for women, when you come with the bullshit you are a joke (pun intented) BUT when you come with the real you are a threat!  I have no desire to meet the standards of mediocrity and so often as a newer comic you are subjected to the continous advice of comedians that didn’t make it. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, so I say to you older bitter comic “You are crazy!” I am not saying quit comedy, I am saying maybe you should change what you are doing because no one is listening, and if they are, they don’t care.

I am a grown up, so when I am told that it is going to take upteen decades for me to find my voice, I laugh. I found my voice a long time ago, I just decided to take it to the stage. Now what I interpret that to mean is that many comedians go on stage with an “idea” of what it is to be a comedian and are often afraid of being themselves. Being yourself is a process, yes and I am in that battle just like everyone else, but don’t disrespect my journey. I am new to comedy YES but not new to writing, not new to acting, not new to producing and not new to getting paid for all of the aforementioned. So forgive me if I get a little touchy when you try to tap me on my head or my tit and take me to the corner and “school me”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I  aim to be a People’s comedian, I say I want to be the Muhammad Ali of Comedy not the Michael Jackson. People take offense to this and ask “Why?”, I simply respond “While Michael was running from the people, Muhammad walked with them”. I belong to many groups of people that need a voice among them: Anorexics, Women, Single Mothers, The Raped,The  Abused, The Forgotten,The Hungry,The Repossessed,The Evicted, and The Convicted. My testimony is my joke, and I choose to be as great and memorable as Chris Rock when he made his bold statement about men paying child support, George Carlin about God or Richard Pryor about the word nigger.

I study the Science of Comedy to one day be a great and make people think, it is not always for the laugh people, but for the impression that you leave on the mind. There is a place in comedy for every voice, I hear that this room is ghetto and that Comic is ghetto. Well, that Comic is a reflection of an environment that needs a voice. I remember when a certain Comic called me ghetto, well I kinda am ghetto.   I come from a lower income beginning, my mom was on Welfare and I am from the neighborhood that Rick Ross raps about, and I actually grew up in. But my beginning is just that , so don’t undermine my evolution and growth:  I really do this shit.

An older comedian told me that I shouldn’t be up for a show, “It’s too soon”. I looked him in the eye and said “Really?” He responded. “Why should you be up for a show when I have been doing comedy for 12 years?” My response, simple “Because I can write one”.

So time to sum this up and I would like to do it with some of the great advice I have received from some excellent people that happen to be comedians.

Chris Spencer “You should do Stand Up, you’re a natural.”

Joe Clair “Do you, Shawty.”

Russell Peters “Just be funny, the outfit doesn’t matter.”

Paul Rodriguez “You’re already good, work on being great.”

Corey Holcomb “Be real like you are off stage and fuck what the people that aren’t going to make it tell you.”

Na’im Lynn “Don’t dumb down for Black audiences.”

Ian Edwards “Don’t be afraid to drop a joke, you have more don’t you?”‘

Maronzio Vance “Don’t be afraid to be smart on stage, tell your jokes to the top of the room.”

Hugh Moore “Just be yourself.”

Clayton Thomas “Have fun.”

Cocoa Brown “Keep taking your crazy to the stage.”

Max Amini “Just make them love you and they will go wherever you take them.”

Byron Bowers “Do what you did in the grocery store on stage.”

Arsenio Hall “Write a joke everyday.”

Jay Leno “It’s never too late, but it can be to soon!”

My name is Aida Rodriguez and I am a Comedian.

Aida’s Timely Alphorisms

I’d like to think of myself as being the 3 P’s Prophetic, Profound and Philosopher…after all I am a Comedian and I spend a great deal of time making social observations while delivering my very own 2 cents on the ways of the world.  From time to time I come up with my very own genius gems that I feel I should share with the world and make this world (you got it) a better place.  Before I go into my own, I want to show you where I get my inspiration and then you tell me if you see the connection.

Dalai Lama

“Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.”

 

Balthasar Gracian

“Advice is sometimes transmitted more successfully through a joke than grave teaching.”

AidaSan

“I would rather chase a pound of Pop Rocks with a 2 Liter of Coke than to engage in foolish banter with a bitter soul.”

“Go as you are, because YOU are going to eventually show up anyway.”

“Alcohol and Penis age you, proceed accordingly.”

“Never sleep your way to the middle.”

“Whores come a dime a dozen and every man has a dollar.”

Same Thing Make You Laugh, Make You Cry!

Every Comedian has their foundation, mine is rooted in the pain of self destructive eating habits.  I have had an eventful life and as part of my journey I had a stop in the world of modeling.  Being 14, standing 5’10 and being ethnic during a time when it was fashionable, granted me an opportunity to explore the world of fashion.  An interesting world that is dominated by gay men setting the bar for what a woman should look like; the skinnier the better!  No wonder the white models look like Orlando Bloom and the black ones, Amistad.

There I was at an age when I was still in development, one thing was for sure, that my Puerto Rican/Dominican hips were going nowhere.  They were handed to me through my genes and would forever affect my ability to find jeans.

Nothing has changed, last year three models lost their battle with anorexia and were taken from the world very young.  So as I tell my story with a punchline attached, I feel that if there is no cause attached to what I am saying, I am really saying nothing.   I get many emails from women that feel my pain, every day women that feel that pressure to meet this ridiculous standard set by the magnificent people at Vogue and Elle.

This Is Who I Will Never Be!

I will never be a size 4 again, this used to make me cry and sometimes still does.  I have been told by agents, managers and industry folks that I should lose more weight and the curse of “thinner” continues.  So, I tell jokes about it and my vengeance is reflected in my set.  I want to release the everyday woman of this farce that these people actually look like this without any help.  It’s easy to have a flat stomach after 4 kids when you can afford a plastic surgeon to be in the delivery room.  It’s easy to maintain your weight when you have a personal chef and trainer.  And even when you have those things, there is this reality that your body gravitates to its natural body weight whether you like it or not, hence Oprah.  And what is wrong with that?  Nothing, I am sure Oprah only loses sleep for her quite lucrative work!

No preaching here…ladies this is my tribute to you.  Claim your life, embrace your true you and remember you are your prettiest when you are being you!  I will continue to fight the good fight, one mic at a time.

*** “I’ve been in overeaters anonymous for a couple decades – i used to be a dancer and the hell of body obsession and obsession with being a size zero (which is impossible for my body type anyway) drove me insane. seeing you up on stage and how goddess-like you are brings me one step further to loving “what is” about myself. after 19 years of not bingeing, the body obsession still lingers. yet “keeping it real” like you do, helps me look in the mirror and smile.”  Anonymous
*** As a 5’11″ former model who said she quit the industry because she “got tired of being hungry all the time,” Aida had a physical grace and elegance that made for an interesting contrast with her brash, outspoken comedic style.  On topics ranging from her Puerto Rican heritage to her experiences in the modeling industry to a hilarious reinterpretation of Memoirs of a Geisha, Aida Rodriguez’s no holds barred style of comedy kept the audience roaring.  An especially striking feature of Aida’s performance was the way she immediately drew the audience into her and infused us with her own energy. –Niclole Force, The Examiner